remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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