god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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