Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
