Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
