I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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