I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize