made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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