True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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