I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize