My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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