She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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