How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
