omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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