i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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