dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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