That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
