he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
