Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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