we're chasing vodka with high fives
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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