saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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