Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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