respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
