Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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