I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
