This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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