Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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