thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
