I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
