I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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