Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
