I can tuck mytits in my pants
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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