i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
