just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
