I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
