the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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