she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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