i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
