Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
