dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
