Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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