no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
