remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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