You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
