On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
