i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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