My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
