i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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