i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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