Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
