The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
