There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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