the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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