apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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